Saturday, April 18, 2015
Photos by my Mama
Saturday, April 11, 2015
Photos by Echie Hernandez
Monday, April 06, 2015
It’s crazy because when I was young I had a different view of what the future will look like. I thought that when you reach a certain age, when you finally become an adult, all the tears will stop; the road to where you’re supposed to be is clear and even; what you dream of is just within your reach; you finally have a voice in your family; you will get what you want as long as you work extra hard for it; old friends will be doubled with the new; you will be at home with your responsibilities as you will not have any fear of them any longer; and so on and so forth.
The crazy part there though is that for a lot of people, like me, that future is just a fiction of reality. An imagination. A hope turned into null... Nonexistent.
I’m a girl who feels too much. And when I say too much, it really is too much.
And I can’t help it, you know?
I can’t help to stop my emotions from emerging. I can’t help to look at the surface and not see the inside. The back story. The core. The reason. The origin and the history.
Because I perceive too much. I see the intricate connections of everything and anything... and sometimes, even of nothing.
Because that’s who I am.
And believe me, a lot of people do not understand that. A lot of people are judging me for making a small thing big. For overdramatizing. For over thinking. For basically, feeling too much.
But, fuck them. They just don’t get it. They just don’t understand. They just cannot accept the fact that my emotions do not have an off switch.
That I do not have an off switch.
That I also do not know how to let all these feelings go. Because my heart does not forget. My heart remembers and it remembers it well.
If only they know. If only they know how freaking tiring it is too feel too much. To wish for your brain to stop processing and dissecting a single thing to a million of pieces. To making something so simple to a complication. To prevent your heart from feeling all the pain that comes with it. To learn how to breathe again and let your lungs function when you try to fight a battle of setting your emotions run free.
To stop being the Danica that somehow God wanted her to be.
If only they know.
But I try. I always try my hardest to control myself. To be good no matter what. To reach out and to understand. To be mature. To see the world and its beauty. To be fair and not judge. To release the negativity and absorb the positivity. To be an adult. To be respected and forgiven.
To be someone that even myself can be proud of.
I am seriously trying.
But goodness, why is it so hard? And why is it so painful?
Why do the people who matter to you are the ones who are challenging you? Who are not even listening? Who do not make an effort to understand you or where you are coming from? Why are they subjecting you to your fear? Why are they making you feel so goddamn alone?
Why are they, of all people, causing you to doubt yourself and not proud of the person who you’ve become because you fought to be her?
I seriously do not have an answer to these. I’m sorry.
Wise men would say that these things though will make you strong. I do agree. Whole-heartedly. However, I do not ask to be strong, you know? I only wish to be understood.
But, I have to take what I can get and I have to accept that maybe this is just how life goes.
I actually want to apologize to those people who matter because as much as I love them, I cannot forget the pain. Not now. In the coming days, weeks, months, years probably, I can forgive, yes. But, to forget...
I already asked God to help me do that. As only He knows how to deal with...
The girl who feels too much.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Photos by Judes Calpo